Hands-On Dad

In a Philippine magazine some years back, movie actresses and popular career women proudly called themselves “Hands-On Mom”. The term evolved in the past decade as career women once more saw the value of being full time housewives, though not necessarily involved in the care of the children. Oddly, the term is only used by the women in the upper social strata. For women who belong to the middle income group, it is more economical to work and hand over the domestic role to the nannies. The women living below the poverty line have always lived that role because they lack college education and career options.

When our family migrated to the United States last year, my husband and I had to adjust to a life without nannies. In the Philippines, my kids were used to having their two nannies. I would merely supervise, making sure the nannies did their job right. So it was a major revamp of roles during our first few months in this foreign land.

But the biggest adjustment came for my husband. Back then, he had rarely spent time with the kids except when he took them to school or to the malls. So being left alone with the kids when I started with my work here in America was a scary experience for him.

“I’m often the lone male among mothers who pick up their kids from school,” he’d complain. “And it’s so difficult when one of the girls would go to the bathroom when we are in the grocery. Fortunately, some shopping stores have family rooms.”

Trying out his culinary skills was initially as stressful as competing in the Kitchen Stadium. It was just a pleasant surprise to discover that he can actually cook. He called me one day and excitedly announced, “I can’t believe I just cooked the best tasting Adobo I’ve ever tasted in my life. I just don’t know if I could do it again!”. Adobo is a Filipino cuisine of pork stew in soy sauce and vinegar and one of the family’s favorites.

Perhaps the most challenging part for him is dealing with our four-year old. “I want a pixie hair!” she demanded one day. It is a term she coined to mean pigtails. This requires a lot of fine motor skills. Unfortunately this seemed almost impossible with my husband’s rather brawny, masculine hands grasping those tiny clips for her very fine and short hair.

It became a common sight for me to go home and find a harassed look on his face as he exclaimed, “Your daughters are driving me nuts!” I think my four year old has a bigger talent for doing this to her father. I sensed a power struggle between them that can only be attributed to a similar genetic make-up of temperaments. The issue can sometimes be as simple as the clothes to wear for school, when the little girl insists on wearing a summer dress during the cold winter season or refuses to eat her lunch because she “wants mommy”.

It took a while for us to realize that the children were actually treating their father the way they had treated their nannies. They were trying to wrap him around their little sticky fingers. But being more intelligent and having a stronger personality, my husband later established his authority over them. He is still the head of the family even though he is not the breadwinner.

I think it takes a real man to be able to be a “Hands-on Mom”. Most men would resent this reversal of roles especially if they are used to bringing home the dough. So it became amusing sometimes to find my husband having more maternal instincts than me when it comes to caring for my two daughters. I sometimes wonder if he has grown ovaries and uterus too. For instance when my younger daughter had a fever, he patiently gave her a sponge bath. I usually just give an antipyretic and let the fever lyse.

I know he misses having a career of his own. Nevertheless he is making this sacrifice while we are still adjusting to our new life here in America. And I think this sacrifice was well worth it. After six months of coming here, he found a keyholder from one of his boxes which read, “The World’s No. 1 Dad.”

“This has been with me for quite a while but it is only now that I feel worthy enough to use it,” he said with pride in his voice. He then put his car keys to the silver-plated keyholder. I looked at him with love and respect knowing that he truly deserves to use it. And just the other day, I accompanied him in bringing the kids to school. When my four year old daughter undid her carseat buckle, she immediately went to hug her dad. She gave him a kiss then just jumped out of the car without even noticing me. I can’t believe she just totally ignored me! My husband chuckled with amusement at my disgruntled look. Now, when she goes to sleep, her only wish is to have Daddy beside her to tuck her in. But when she is sick, she still reverts back to Mommy’s care. The growing bond and attachment between my girls and their dad is a product of hard work on the part of my husband. His efforts were further rewarded when on Mother’s Day as my nine-year old presented me with a scrapbook and greeted me “Happy Mother’s Day!”, my four-year old happily ran to him and gave him a big kiss saying, “Happy Mother’s Day, Daddy!”.

He recently got interviewed for a job. That night he was tossing and turning. “I can’t sleep. I think I am having separation anxiety. I will miss the kids when I work again.” He compares it to the experience of a woman ending her one year maternity leave. That’s one thing that never crossed his mind when he adopted the full-time role of child care. He has definitely reinvented the term “Hands-on Mom”.

God Takes My Driver's Seat

I am seated on the deck tinkering with my laptop. The sun is out. The sky is blue. I see green trees everywhere. The cool breeze comes to visit every now and then. Summer is almost here. It's 80 degrees and it is just the comfortable temperature for me. We just had grilled turkey breast and corn for lunch. I love this time of the year.

I have also learned to deal with adversities. When you hit rock bottom with your emotions, sometimes it can be so dark that you get swallowed by it. I had that experience.

One Friday evening, as I prepared to leave the hospital from a long, tiring day as a dialysis nurse, I received a message from my manager. “The nurse scheduled to be on call for Sunday just resigned. You have to take that call.”

I felt my world crash as I saw a quiet Sunday with my husband and two daughters dissolve into smoke. I worked more than 70 hours this week, waking up at 5:00 am, driving from one hospital to another, pushing a huge dialysis machine with gallons of bicarbonate and acid and going home close to midnight. My back ached and my heart longed to spend time with my family.

Without thinking, I dialed my manager’s number but only heard a voicemail prompt. At the tone, I broke into plea, “I worked five days this week. Please don’t give me the Sunday call or I may get sick soon”. I hung up dispirited, walked to my car and slumped on the driver’s seat. Then I broke down and cried. "I am so tired, Lord! I am so tired! What have I done wrong? You've said You are my Savior. Then, please save me. Have mercy.”

I heard no booming voice. I saw no flashing light. He just came to me in silence and peace. A passage from the bible rose in my mind. `Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy load, and I will give you rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy and the load I will put on you is light.' (Matthew 11:28, 30)

Tears welled and I prayed, “I am offering You my burden and my yoke. Show me what Your burden and yoke is like.” When I arrived home, I was no longer worried about Sunday.

The next day, I called my manager again. This time she answered.

"Did you receive my message?" I surprised myself with my firm and calm voice.

“Yes,” she said.

"I am not taking the call tomorrow. I am only supposed to work four days a week. If you make me work this Sunday, I will not work on one of my regular days next week. I refuse to work another five days next week. That's too much."

She asked, “What's wrong with you?”

I felt calm and sure. I said, "I need to take care of myself. And I need to take care of my family, too.”

Then she said, "Ok. I will cover for you." And she did, just like that.

The week that followed was just as crazy. Our patient census soared. We were so understaffed that we got called everywhere. I worked the same long hours but things were different for me.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

From that time onwards, I started my day with this prayer. "Lord, I offer my day to You. Intervene as You must. Make things easy for me. Guide me and direct me. I offer you all my hardships. Grant me the grace to overcome this day. In Jesus' Name, I pray."

With that invitation, God was able to take control.

God controlled time and events. When I was given additional patients, He found ways to clear my schedule. Either one patient refused dialysis or another got discharged. Sometimes, the doctor moved the patient to another day or another nurse picked up my patient. In extreme cases, a patient died. During unholy hours or on Sundays, I didn't get calls.

God influenced people. Once there was a patient who was difficult and demanding. I prayed to God to give her a good mood. Not only did He do that, she actually warmed up and opened up to me. She was never difficult and aloof again. Some problematic patients stabilized during my shift.

God had power over technology, too. When one of the machines gave me trouble, God pointed out the problem. Sometimes, I just pray over the machine and it becomes functional again. When it breaks down, it only does after the treatment.

The best part of all, God changed my attitude. I no longer have that heavy feeling in my heart whenever I go to work. I face the day like a child waiting for her Father to manifest His power again. It gave me peace and joy amidst challenges.

I realized that I have a God who wants to be very much a part of my life. And for Him to do that, I have to open myself and say, "Lord, come to me this day and move in my life". I never thought that He actually needed my daily invitation and consent. Then He revealed the meaning of free will. He does not force His love on me. He does not impose His blessings on me. He can only give it to me if I allow Him.

So whenever I get another patient for the day, I ask the Spirit, “Is it God's will for me to work late today? If so, then please send me the energy to work with love and enthusiasm. If not, then please intervene”. The openness to accept His will helped me understand that I have created some of my stress with my controlling personality ad perfectionist attitude.

My fear of giving God complete control of my life diminished as I witnessed His caring love. It's like giving up my driver's seat for Him. He can't completely control the steering wheel unless I let go and let Him do the driving. I have to resist the urge to tell Him what to do.

It is irritating to have a backseat driver. I don't want to irritate God, my Driver, lest He say, "Okay, you sit here and do the driving." I'm tired of driving my own life. With my Master behind the wheel, I can relax, enjoy the view and appreciate the journey knowing that I am in good hands.

Lessons from the Trail

"Knowing what you want in life is the first step to achieving it."

That was the lesson I got when I went back to running on the trail the other day. It has been months since I've done that... run and learn from my Running Mate. Two years ago, I wrote the book, "Running the Millionaire Lane". I know Jesus the healer very well. I also know Jesus the teacher. But I never thought I would encounter Jesus the runner and Jesus the wealth manager. That was my book... a novice runner's spiritual journey in the material world. I wrote about my encounters with Jesus the runner and wealth manager and learned a lot of valuable lessons from Him. In the past, there was nothing that could motivate me to run 5 kilometers. But because of these spiritual encounters, I started writing and it became my motivation to run. I had nothing to write if I did not run. I was forced to go through the training until I was able to run 10 kilometers.

These past months, I missed running. My work got in the way. I have been working long hours that my off days were spent recovering. Consequently, I missed the encounters with my Running Mate. I was more in contact with Jesus my personal Savior, who has always been with me everyday, saving me from long hours of work, from weekend and night calls, from difficult patients, from machine mishaps, etc. And I believe the breather I got that day from my run was also a result of Jesus, my personal Savior's intervention. I was losing focus of why I am here. And the run brought everything back into clear focus again.

I know what I want in life. At 38, I am a retired anesthesiologist. I have no intention of going back into the field of medicine again. I am in a career transition. Obviously, with all the desolations I am encountering in the workplace, it is not my final calling too. My vision is to establish a career in writing.

I remember my Running Mate's first lesson from my book. "You need to pace yourself". There is no short cut to my goal. I may have published a book but I am still far from my goal of becoming a established author who inspires people to a more meaningful life. "It's all about enjoying the experience. If you try too hard to achieve something and be agitated because you do not immediately see the results, you might end up being disheartened."

"You must learn how to recognize an opportunity. You have unique talents. You know your interests. There is a great correlation between what you love doing and the opportunity to live an abundant life. Before you embark on something, you have to stop and assess the situation. Then create your plan based on your assessment. Then offer your plan to me. I cannot bless anything if you do not offer me anything."

I started discussing my plans with my Running Mate. And He showed me the light. I have started the first step in becoming a serious writer. I am currently enrolled in a 2-year writing course program. Now it is demanding more attention and focus from me. And that is what my Running Mate is reminding me of. Again, from the book, I remembered Him telling me, "Focus. Focus. Stay focused".

"It's all about the decision. When you finally decide to do something, the firmness of your resolve will push you to accomplish things that are initially difficult. But with your resolve to keep at it, you will eventually find ways to make it easy for you. You have to fix your eyes on the vision. It means delaying gratification. It means prioritizing the things that will help you achieve your goal. It means knowing which among your endeavors are really worth your time and effort. There are desires that only serve to satiate the temporary wants of the flesh. You must learn to filter these out. When you have decided, then things will move on in the right direction."

I wrote down my goals and objectives again, establishing clear time lines and daily activities that leads to accomplishing my goal and objectives. This is a lesson from my Running Mate too. "You have your overall vision and goal, but it might take some time before you see the accomplishment of all your endeavors. To keep you going, you have to make smaller goals that will break down the steps for you. These are your objectives. These are more achievable in a shorter span of time. This will encourage you and give you the energy you need to sustain your efforts, enough to make you accomplish your bigger vision."

The first step for me is to cut down my working days again. I used to do 3 days a week but ever since I started working 4 days a week, I've missed the things I truly love doing... reading, running and writing. It is slowly wilting my soul. I know it will make an impact on our family's income but I have to trust in my Running Mate's advice. If it is truly an advice coming from Him, He will give outward confirmations: 1) our income will be enough for the family, 2) there will be no resistance from my superiors and 3) there will be inner peace in me and my family about the decision.

I hear His words of two years ago echoing in my mind. "Seeking for what is always safe is not always good. It may point to a lack of faith. Do not bury your talent underground."

I just need to fix my eyes on my Running Mate the way Simon Peter fixed his eyes on Him. This prevented him from sinking in the stormy sea. Yes, trust and faith are what my Running Mate is demanding of me.