In a Philippine magazine some years back, movie actresses and popular career women proudly called themselves “Hands-On Mom”. The term evolved in the past decade as career women once more saw the value of being full time housewives, though not necessarily involved in the care of the children. Oddly, the term is only used by the women in the upper social strata. For women who belong to the middle income group, it is more economical to work and hand over the domestic role to the nannies. The women living below the poverty line have always lived that role because they lack college education and career options.
When our family migrated to the United States last year, my husband and I had to adjust to a life without nannies. In the Philippines, my kids were used to having their two nannies. I would merely supervise, making sure the nannies did their job right. So it was a major revamp of roles during our first few months in this foreign land.
But the biggest adjustment came for my husband. Back then, he had rarely spent time with the kids except when he took them to school or to the malls. So being left alone with the kids when I started with my work here in America was a scary experience for him.
“I’m often the lone male among mothers who pick up their kids from school,” he’d complain. “And it’s so difficult when one of the girls would go to the bathroom when we are in the grocery. Fortunately, some shopping stores have family rooms.”
Trying out his culinary skills was initially as stressful as competing in the Kitchen Stadium. It was just a pleasant surprise to discover that he can actually cook. He called me one day and excitedly announced, “I can’t believe I just cooked the best tasting Adobo I’ve ever tasted in my life. I just don’t know if I could do it again!”. Adobo is a Filipino cuisine of pork stew in soy sauce and vinegar and one of the family’s favorites.
Perhaps the most challenging part for him is dealing with our four-year old. “I want a pixie hair!” she demanded one day. It is a term she coined to mean pigtails. This requires a lot of fine motor skills. Unfortunately this seemed almost impossible with my husband’s rather brawny, masculine hands grasping those tiny clips for her very fine and short hair.
It became a common sight for me to go home and find a harassed look on his face as he exclaimed, “Your daughters are driving me nuts!” I think my four year old has a bigger talent for doing this to her father. I sensed a power struggle between them that can only be attributed to a similar genetic make-up of temperaments. The issue can sometimes be as simple as the clothes to wear for school, when the little girl insists on wearing a summer dress during the cold winter season or refuses to eat her lunch because she “wants mommy”.
It took a while for us to realize that the children were actually treating their father the way they had treated their nannies. They were trying to wrap him around their little sticky fingers. But being more intelligent and having a stronger personality, my husband later established his authority over them. He is still the head of the family even though he is not the breadwinner.
I think it takes a real man to be able to be a “Hands-on Mom”. Most men would resent this reversal of roles especially if they are used to bringing home the dough. So it became amusing sometimes to find my husband having more maternal instincts than me when it comes to caring for my two daughters. I sometimes wonder if he has grown ovaries and uterus too. For instance when my younger daughter had a fever, he patiently gave her a sponge bath. I usually just give an antipyretic and let the fever lyse.
I know he misses having a career of his own. Nevertheless he is making this sacrifice while we are still adjusting to our new life here in America. And I think this sacrifice was well worth it. After six months of coming here, he found a keyholder from one of his boxes which read, “The World’s No. 1 Dad.”
“This has been with me for quite a while but it is only now that I feel worthy enough to use it,” he said with pride in his voice. He then put his car keys to the silver-plated keyholder. I looked at him with love and respect knowing that he truly deserves to use it. And just the other day, I accompanied him in bringing the kids to school. When my four year old daughter undid her carseat buckle, she immediately went to hug her dad. She gave him a kiss then just jumped out of the car without even noticing me. I can’t believe she just totally ignored me! My husband chuckled with amusement at my disgruntled look. Now, when she goes to sleep, her only wish is to have Daddy beside her to tuck her in. But when she is sick, she still reverts back to Mommy’s care. The growing bond and attachment between my girls and their dad is a product of hard work on the part of my husband. His efforts were further rewarded when on Mother’s Day as my nine-year old presented me with a scrapbook and greeted me “Happy Mother’s Day!”, my four-year old happily ran to him and gave him a big kiss saying, “Happy Mother’s Day, Daddy!”.
He recently got interviewed for a job. That night he was tossing and turning. “I can’t sleep. I think I am having separation anxiety. I will miss the kids when I work again.” He compares it to the experience of a woman ending her one year maternity leave. That’s one thing that never crossed his mind when he adopted the full-time role of child care. He has definitely reinvented the term “Hands-on Mom”.
When our family migrated to the United States last year, my husband and I had to adjust to a life without nannies. In the Philippines, my kids were used to having their two nannies. I would merely supervise, making sure the nannies did their job right. So it was a major revamp of roles during our first few months in this foreign land.
But the biggest adjustment came for my husband. Back then, he had rarely spent time with the kids except when he took them to school or to the malls. So being left alone with the kids when I started with my work here in America was a scary experience for him.
“I’m often the lone male among mothers who pick up their kids from school,” he’d complain. “And it’s so difficult when one of the girls would go to the bathroom when we are in the grocery. Fortunately, some shopping stores have family rooms.”
Trying out his culinary skills was initially as stressful as competing in the Kitchen Stadium. It was just a pleasant surprise to discover that he can actually cook. He called me one day and excitedly announced, “I can’t believe I just cooked the best tasting Adobo I’ve ever tasted in my life. I just don’t know if I could do it again!”. Adobo is a Filipino cuisine of pork stew in soy sauce and vinegar and one of the family’s favorites.
Perhaps the most challenging part for him is dealing with our four-year old. “I want a pixie hair!” she demanded one day. It is a term she coined to mean pigtails. This requires a lot of fine motor skills. Unfortunately this seemed almost impossible with my husband’s rather brawny, masculine hands grasping those tiny clips for her very fine and short hair.
It became a common sight for me to go home and find a harassed look on his face as he exclaimed, “Your daughters are driving me nuts!” I think my four year old has a bigger talent for doing this to her father. I sensed a power struggle between them that can only be attributed to a similar genetic make-up of temperaments. The issue can sometimes be as simple as the clothes to wear for school, when the little girl insists on wearing a summer dress during the cold winter season or refuses to eat her lunch because she “wants mommy”.
It took a while for us to realize that the children were actually treating their father the way they had treated their nannies. They were trying to wrap him around their little sticky fingers. But being more intelligent and having a stronger personality, my husband later established his authority over them. He is still the head of the family even though he is not the breadwinner.
I think it takes a real man to be able to be a “Hands-on Mom”. Most men would resent this reversal of roles especially if they are used to bringing home the dough. So it became amusing sometimes to find my husband having more maternal instincts than me when it comes to caring for my two daughters. I sometimes wonder if he has grown ovaries and uterus too. For instance when my younger daughter had a fever, he patiently gave her a sponge bath. I usually just give an antipyretic and let the fever lyse.
I know he misses having a career of his own. Nevertheless he is making this sacrifice while we are still adjusting to our new life here in America. And I think this sacrifice was well worth it. After six months of coming here, he found a keyholder from one of his boxes which read, “The World’s No. 1 Dad.”
“This has been with me for quite a while but it is only now that I feel worthy enough to use it,” he said with pride in his voice. He then put his car keys to the silver-plated keyholder. I looked at him with love and respect knowing that he truly deserves to use it. And just the other day, I accompanied him in bringing the kids to school. When my four year old daughter undid her carseat buckle, she immediately went to hug her dad. She gave him a kiss then just jumped out of the car without even noticing me. I can’t believe she just totally ignored me! My husband chuckled with amusement at my disgruntled look. Now, when she goes to sleep, her only wish is to have Daddy beside her to tuck her in. But when she is sick, she still reverts back to Mommy’s care. The growing bond and attachment between my girls and their dad is a product of hard work on the part of my husband. His efforts were further rewarded when on Mother’s Day as my nine-year old presented me with a scrapbook and greeted me “Happy Mother’s Day!”, my four-year old happily ran to him and gave him a big kiss saying, “Happy Mother’s Day, Daddy!”.
He recently got interviewed for a job. That night he was tossing and turning. “I can’t sleep. I think I am having separation anxiety. I will miss the kids when I work again.” He compares it to the experience of a woman ending her one year maternity leave. That’s one thing that never crossed his mind when he adopted the full-time role of child care. He has definitely reinvented the term “Hands-on Mom”.
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