I am seated on the deck tinkering with my laptop. The sun is out. The sky is blue. I see green trees everywhere. The cool breeze comes to visit every now and then. Summer is almost here. It's 80 degrees and it is just the comfortable temperature for me. We just had grilled turkey breast and corn for lunch. I love this time of the year.
I have also learned to deal with adversities. When you hit rock bottom with your emotions, sometimes it can be so dark that you get swallowed by it. I had that experience.
One Friday evening, as I prepared to leave the hospital from a long, tiring day as a dialysis nurse, I received a message from my manager. “The nurse scheduled to be on call for Sunday just resigned. You have to take that call.”
I felt my world crash as I saw a quiet Sunday with my husband and two daughters dissolve into smoke. I worked more than 70 hours this week, waking up at 5:00 am, driving from one hospital to another, pushing a huge dialysis machine with gallons of bicarbonate and acid and going home close to midnight. My back ached and my heart longed to spend time with my family.
Without thinking, I dialed my manager’s number but only heard a voicemail prompt. At the tone, I broke into plea, “I worked five days this week. Please don’t give me the Sunday call or I may get sick soon”. I hung up dispirited, walked to my car and slumped on the driver’s seat. Then I broke down and cried. "I am so tired, Lord! I am so tired! What have I done wrong? You've said You are my Savior. Then, please save me. Have mercy.”
I heard no booming voice. I saw no flashing light. He just came to me in silence and peace. A passage from the bible rose in my mind. `Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy load, and I will give you rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy and the load I will put on you is light.' (Matthew 11:28, 30)
Tears welled and I prayed, “I am offering You my burden and my yoke. Show me what Your burden and yoke is like.” When I arrived home, I was no longer worried about Sunday.
The next day, I called my manager again. This time she answered.
"Did you receive my message?" I surprised myself with my firm and calm voice.
“Yes,” she said.
"I am not taking the call tomorrow. I am only supposed to work four days a week. If you make me work this Sunday, I will not work on one of my regular days next week. I refuse to work another five days next week. That's too much."
She asked, “What's wrong with you?”
I felt calm and sure. I said, "I need to take care of myself. And I need to take care of my family, too.”
Then she said, "Ok. I will cover for you." And she did, just like that.
The week that followed was just as crazy. Our patient census soared. We were so understaffed that we got called everywhere. I worked the same long hours but things were different for me.
My yoke is easy and my burden is light.
From that time onwards, I started my day with this prayer. "Lord, I offer my day to You. Intervene as You must. Make things easy for me. Guide me and direct me. I offer you all my hardships. Grant me the grace to overcome this day. In Jesus' Name, I pray."
With that invitation, God was able to take control.
God controlled time and events. When I was given additional patients, He found ways to clear my schedule. Either one patient refused dialysis or another got discharged. Sometimes, the doctor moved the patient to another day or another nurse picked up my patient. In extreme cases, a patient died. During unholy hours or on Sundays, I didn't get calls.
God influenced people. Once there was a patient who was difficult and demanding. I prayed to God to give her a good mood. Not only did He do that, she actually warmed up and opened up to me. She was never difficult and aloof again. Some problematic patients stabilized during my shift.
God had power over technology, too. When one of the machines gave me trouble, God pointed out the problem. Sometimes, I just pray over the machine and it becomes functional again. When it breaks down, it only does after the treatment.
The best part of all, God changed my attitude. I no longer have that heavy feeling in my heart whenever I go to work. I face the day like a child waiting for her Father to manifest His power again. It gave me peace and joy amidst challenges.
I realized that I have a God who wants to be very much a part of my life. And for Him to do that, I have to open myself and say, "Lord, come to me this day and move in my life". I never thought that He actually needed my daily invitation and consent. Then He revealed the meaning of free will. He does not force His love on me. He does not impose His blessings on me. He can only give it to me if I allow Him.
So whenever I get another patient for the day, I ask the Spirit, “Is it God's will for me to work late today? If so, then please send me the energy to work with love and enthusiasm. If not, then please intervene”. The openness to accept His will helped me understand that I have created some of my stress with my controlling personality ad perfectionist attitude.
My fear of giving God complete control of my life diminished as I witnessed His caring love. It's like giving up my driver's seat for Him. He can't completely control the steering wheel unless I let go and let Him do the driving. I have to resist the urge to tell Him what to do.
It is irritating to have a backseat driver. I don't want to irritate God, my Driver, lest He say, "Okay, you sit here and do the driving." I'm tired of driving my own life. With my Master behind the wheel, I can relax, enjoy the view and appreciate the journey knowing that I am in good hands.
I have also learned to deal with adversities. When you hit rock bottom with your emotions, sometimes it can be so dark that you get swallowed by it. I had that experience.
One Friday evening, as I prepared to leave the hospital from a long, tiring day as a dialysis nurse, I received a message from my manager. “The nurse scheduled to be on call for Sunday just resigned. You have to take that call.”
I felt my world crash as I saw a quiet Sunday with my husband and two daughters dissolve into smoke. I worked more than 70 hours this week, waking up at 5:00 am, driving from one hospital to another, pushing a huge dialysis machine with gallons of bicarbonate and acid and going home close to midnight. My back ached and my heart longed to spend time with my family.
Without thinking, I dialed my manager’s number but only heard a voicemail prompt. At the tone, I broke into plea, “I worked five days this week. Please don’t give me the Sunday call or I may get sick soon”. I hung up dispirited, walked to my car and slumped on the driver’s seat. Then I broke down and cried. "I am so tired, Lord! I am so tired! What have I done wrong? You've said You are my Savior. Then, please save me. Have mercy.”
I heard no booming voice. I saw no flashing light. He just came to me in silence and peace. A passage from the bible rose in my mind. `Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy load, and I will give you rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy and the load I will put on you is light.' (Matthew 11:28, 30)
Tears welled and I prayed, “I am offering You my burden and my yoke. Show me what Your burden and yoke is like.” When I arrived home, I was no longer worried about Sunday.
The next day, I called my manager again. This time she answered.
"Did you receive my message?" I surprised myself with my firm and calm voice.
“Yes,” she said.
"I am not taking the call tomorrow. I am only supposed to work four days a week. If you make me work this Sunday, I will not work on one of my regular days next week. I refuse to work another five days next week. That's too much."
She asked, “What's wrong with you?”
I felt calm and sure. I said, "I need to take care of myself. And I need to take care of my family, too.”
Then she said, "Ok. I will cover for you." And she did, just like that.
The week that followed was just as crazy. Our patient census soared. We were so understaffed that we got called everywhere. I worked the same long hours but things were different for me.
My yoke is easy and my burden is light.
From that time onwards, I started my day with this prayer. "Lord, I offer my day to You. Intervene as You must. Make things easy for me. Guide me and direct me. I offer you all my hardships. Grant me the grace to overcome this day. In Jesus' Name, I pray."
With that invitation, God was able to take control.
God controlled time and events. When I was given additional patients, He found ways to clear my schedule. Either one patient refused dialysis or another got discharged. Sometimes, the doctor moved the patient to another day or another nurse picked up my patient. In extreme cases, a patient died. During unholy hours or on Sundays, I didn't get calls.
God influenced people. Once there was a patient who was difficult and demanding. I prayed to God to give her a good mood. Not only did He do that, she actually warmed up and opened up to me. She was never difficult and aloof again. Some problematic patients stabilized during my shift.
God had power over technology, too. When one of the machines gave me trouble, God pointed out the problem. Sometimes, I just pray over the machine and it becomes functional again. When it breaks down, it only does after the treatment.
The best part of all, God changed my attitude. I no longer have that heavy feeling in my heart whenever I go to work. I face the day like a child waiting for her Father to manifest His power again. It gave me peace and joy amidst challenges.
I realized that I have a God who wants to be very much a part of my life. And for Him to do that, I have to open myself and say, "Lord, come to me this day and move in my life". I never thought that He actually needed my daily invitation and consent. Then He revealed the meaning of free will. He does not force His love on me. He does not impose His blessings on me. He can only give it to me if I allow Him.
So whenever I get another patient for the day, I ask the Spirit, “Is it God's will for me to work late today? If so, then please send me the energy to work with love and enthusiasm. If not, then please intervene”. The openness to accept His will helped me understand that I have created some of my stress with my controlling personality ad perfectionist attitude.
My fear of giving God complete control of my life diminished as I witnessed His caring love. It's like giving up my driver's seat for Him. He can't completely control the steering wheel unless I let go and let Him do the driving. I have to resist the urge to tell Him what to do.
It is irritating to have a backseat driver. I don't want to irritate God, my Driver, lest He say, "Okay, you sit here and do the driving." I'm tired of driving my own life. With my Master behind the wheel, I can relax, enjoy the view and appreciate the journey knowing that I am in good hands.
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