I have talked a lot about my life here in the US and how we adjusted to all the changes but I have not managed to write about my work. Perhaps I was just waiting for the time when I can totally assimilate everything and describe it more thoroughly.
I started work last September 8. Well, it was not "work" actually because that was just the first day of my orientation as an acute dialysis nurse. I was nervous, anxious but hopeful.
I have not really talked much about my nursing experience in the past. But I did have nursing experience.... a bad one! I would consider those five months in 1993 that I worked as a nurse as the worst segment of my life. It was just hell everyday.
I graduated in June 1992 with a BS degree in Nursing. Back then, the board exam results does not get released until 6 months after. So for me, it was December of 1992 that I was informed that I was in the top 10 of the board passers. That would have been a source of great honor but at that time, it only became a source of pressure. As a new graduate from a very prestigious nursing school and one of the board topnotchers, I was expected to perform well. However, when I started work as a delivery room-nursery nurse, I felt so incompetent. Orientation then was just a day tour inside the delivery room-nursery complex on my first day and then it was immediately an on-the-job training. I was with two other newbies but they were familiar with the set-up of this hospital. As for me, I was just totally disoriented and I had a very hard time adjusting to my new work. It was not of much help at all that the work environment was very negative, with senior colleagues backstabbing and badmouthing the newbies. I had no doubt that when I was not around, it was me that was on the hot spot. On top of that, one resident doctor seem to find such great pleasure in criticizing and insulting me. At that time, I was a just a young, idealistic new Catholic convert.
I am a born Catholic but did not discover and appreciate my Catholic faith until 1992 when I got involved in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal Movement. From there, I was drawn to the contemplative way of life of the Carmelite nuns which prompted me to approach the monastery and get in serious discernment. So when I worked in the hospital, it was from the promptings of my spiritual director who wanted me to "mature" first. So I felt that all the negativities hurled upon me should just be embraced in meek acceptance. That disposition just totally crushed my spirit.
Everyday, I would wake up dreading the work ahead of me. Everyday, my spirit was in such turmoil, filled with all sorts of fear and anxieties. That went on for five very long months. Then I started to develop asthma-like symptoms. Upon consult with a doctor, I was told that I had subclinical asthma. I knew it was because I was hating my work life so much. I was simply enduring everything because I thought God wanted me to embrace and carry my cross. But somehow, I found the courage to tell my spiritual director that I think I have worked long enough and I know that I do not like to be a nurse at all. So he agreed to have me live with the out-sisters in the Carmelite monastery for a live-in discernment.
I was just so happy and so at peace. Inside the monastery, I healed from the inner turmoil. After three months, however, I was led out of the monastery to become a Jesuit volunteer where the discernment process continued. It was there that I regained my inner strength and found balance between charity and justice. It was there that I have matured and learned that it is not God's will for man to accept being emotionally or physically abused by another. I realized that I have allowed myself to be emotionally abused by another person and in the process lost my self-esteem in my abilities... especially skills and abilities as a nurse. I thought earning my doctor of medicine degree and having excelled in my anesthesia residency training have already earned me my redemption.
But this sudden turn of tide made me face nursing once again and look back to my past. Now, I realized that my past experience still needed redemption. It could not be redeemed with a higher degree in medicine. It can only be redeemed by facing that same ghost again... as a nurse.
And I think I am slowly healing.
And I owe it to the kind of nursing system that they have here in the US. Orientation for me here was not just a one day tour and then you get thrown to the dogs. We had to sit in class for 3 weeks. I had two other nurses with me who were ICU nurses. But the educator does not presume you know any of the stuff that she is talking about. Everybody gets the orientation and lecture that is necessary for a dialysis nurse to know. It was only on the last week of the 3 weeks that we went into the clinics for our hands-on. And then we took a competency exam and it was only after passing the exam that we started in the hospital on one-on-one preceptorship. For 7 weeks, we worked with our preceptors. It was only last week that we were slowly weaned from our preceptors. Now, I am comfortable doing dialysis treatment by myself. But still a little scared to be left all alone in one hospital. Because here is how we work as dialysis nurses in the acute setting and not in the chronic clinic facilities.
The night before my duty, I call a voicemail number for our assignments the next day. You see, my employer has contracts with nine hospitals in Southwest Ohio and we cater to all these hospitals. There are around 20 dialysis nurses in our team. Each nurse on duty is assigned 1-3 patients in 1-2 hospitals. So we kind of work by ourselves unless one hospital would have many patients that require dialysis treatment. That would mean two or three nurses are assigned to work in that one hospital.
The night before my duty, I call the hospital and inform the nurse what time I will put the patients on dialysis. Then I leave a voicemail to the attending nephrologist about the schedule of the patients. The next day, I start out early. I usually want the patient running on dialysis by 7am. Set-up of the machine, water checks and patient preparation usually takes me 30 minutes to one hour. Dialysis treatment runs 3-4 hours on the average. Post-treatment clean up usually takes another hour. Work hours then varies. Sometimes it can be just 9 hours. On other occasions, it can be more than 12 hours of duty. I only work 3 times a week so I don't mind the long hours. I have 4 days to recover anyway. And if I should feel that I am not earning enough, I can always ask to pick up additional hours on any of my 4 days off. So I like my job. It is very flexible and we are very autonomous.
So I think I have redeemed that bad nursing experience in my past. Now, I am comfortable talking about my work. And I shall be describing a lot more in my next blogs...of how different nursing practice is here in the US, the technology that I had to adjust to, and even the work environment which I find really positive and encouraging not to mention the patients who are very appreciative of the service that you give them.
I thank God for this healing experience.
Indeed the only way to get rid of the ghost of your past is to simply face them. But you should face them with the armaments necessary to scare them away, with faith, hope and love. And there is healing for every ugly wound. Some wounds are too deep that you need to get back, into it, dig up and debride it. Unless you do that, it continues to rot inside. But it's the only way for healing to take place. Scars fade away. And you are left with just memories of the past and a sense of wholeness that you have gone through it and have survived and gone past it. And it is such a wondrous experience to be redeemed and to be made whole again.
I started work last September 8. Well, it was not "work" actually because that was just the first day of my orientation as an acute dialysis nurse. I was nervous, anxious but hopeful.
I have not really talked much about my nursing experience in the past. But I did have nursing experience.... a bad one! I would consider those five months in 1993 that I worked as a nurse as the worst segment of my life. It was just hell everyday.
I graduated in June 1992 with a BS degree in Nursing. Back then, the board exam results does not get released until 6 months after. So for me, it was December of 1992 that I was informed that I was in the top 10 of the board passers. That would have been a source of great honor but at that time, it only became a source of pressure. As a new graduate from a very prestigious nursing school and one of the board topnotchers, I was expected to perform well. However, when I started work as a delivery room-nursery nurse, I felt so incompetent. Orientation then was just a day tour inside the delivery room-nursery complex on my first day and then it was immediately an on-the-job training. I was with two other newbies but they were familiar with the set-up of this hospital. As for me, I was just totally disoriented and I had a very hard time adjusting to my new work. It was not of much help at all that the work environment was very negative, with senior colleagues backstabbing and badmouthing the newbies. I had no doubt that when I was not around, it was me that was on the hot spot. On top of that, one resident doctor seem to find such great pleasure in criticizing and insulting me. At that time, I was a just a young, idealistic new Catholic convert.
I am a born Catholic but did not discover and appreciate my Catholic faith until 1992 when I got involved in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal Movement. From there, I was drawn to the contemplative way of life of the Carmelite nuns which prompted me to approach the monastery and get in serious discernment. So when I worked in the hospital, it was from the promptings of my spiritual director who wanted me to "mature" first. So I felt that all the negativities hurled upon me should just be embraced in meek acceptance. That disposition just totally crushed my spirit.
Everyday, I would wake up dreading the work ahead of me. Everyday, my spirit was in such turmoil, filled with all sorts of fear and anxieties. That went on for five very long months. Then I started to develop asthma-like symptoms. Upon consult with a doctor, I was told that I had subclinical asthma. I knew it was because I was hating my work life so much. I was simply enduring everything because I thought God wanted me to embrace and carry my cross. But somehow, I found the courage to tell my spiritual director that I think I have worked long enough and I know that I do not like to be a nurse at all. So he agreed to have me live with the out-sisters in the Carmelite monastery for a live-in discernment.
I was just so happy and so at peace. Inside the monastery, I healed from the inner turmoil. After three months, however, I was led out of the monastery to become a Jesuit volunteer where the discernment process continued. It was there that I regained my inner strength and found balance between charity and justice. It was there that I have matured and learned that it is not God's will for man to accept being emotionally or physically abused by another. I realized that I have allowed myself to be emotionally abused by another person and in the process lost my self-esteem in my abilities... especially skills and abilities as a nurse. I thought earning my doctor of medicine degree and having excelled in my anesthesia residency training have already earned me my redemption.
But this sudden turn of tide made me face nursing once again and look back to my past. Now, I realized that my past experience still needed redemption. It could not be redeemed with a higher degree in medicine. It can only be redeemed by facing that same ghost again... as a nurse.
And I think I am slowly healing.
And I owe it to the kind of nursing system that they have here in the US. Orientation for me here was not just a one day tour and then you get thrown to the dogs. We had to sit in class for 3 weeks. I had two other nurses with me who were ICU nurses. But the educator does not presume you know any of the stuff that she is talking about. Everybody gets the orientation and lecture that is necessary for a dialysis nurse to know. It was only on the last week of the 3 weeks that we went into the clinics for our hands-on. And then we took a competency exam and it was only after passing the exam that we started in the hospital on one-on-one preceptorship. For 7 weeks, we worked with our preceptors. It was only last week that we were slowly weaned from our preceptors. Now, I am comfortable doing dialysis treatment by myself. But still a little scared to be left all alone in one hospital. Because here is how we work as dialysis nurses in the acute setting and not in the chronic clinic facilities.
The night before my duty, I call a voicemail number for our assignments the next day. You see, my employer has contracts with nine hospitals in Southwest Ohio and we cater to all these hospitals. There are around 20 dialysis nurses in our team. Each nurse on duty is assigned 1-3 patients in 1-2 hospitals. So we kind of work by ourselves unless one hospital would have many patients that require dialysis treatment. That would mean two or three nurses are assigned to work in that one hospital.
The night before my duty, I call the hospital and inform the nurse what time I will put the patients on dialysis. Then I leave a voicemail to the attending nephrologist about the schedule of the patients. The next day, I start out early. I usually want the patient running on dialysis by 7am. Set-up of the machine, water checks and patient preparation usually takes me 30 minutes to one hour. Dialysis treatment runs 3-4 hours on the average. Post-treatment clean up usually takes another hour. Work hours then varies. Sometimes it can be just 9 hours. On other occasions, it can be more than 12 hours of duty. I only work 3 times a week so I don't mind the long hours. I have 4 days to recover anyway. And if I should feel that I am not earning enough, I can always ask to pick up additional hours on any of my 4 days off. So I like my job. It is very flexible and we are very autonomous.
So I think I have redeemed that bad nursing experience in my past. Now, I am comfortable talking about my work. And I shall be describing a lot more in my next blogs...of how different nursing practice is here in the US, the technology that I had to adjust to, and even the work environment which I find really positive and encouraging not to mention the patients who are very appreciative of the service that you give them.
I thank God for this healing experience.
Indeed the only way to get rid of the ghost of your past is to simply face them. But you should face them with the armaments necessary to scare them away, with faith, hope and love. And there is healing for every ugly wound. Some wounds are too deep that you need to get back, into it, dig up and debride it. Unless you do that, it continues to rot inside. But it's the only way for healing to take place. Scars fade away. And you are left with just memories of the past and a sense of wholeness that you have gone through it and have survived and gone past it. And it is such a wondrous experience to be redeemed and to be made whole again.
